First Step

Ok, I did it! I took the sabbatical and finished my first semester of grad school. Man am I a nerd! I love grad school. So fun for me to be immersed in the Word of God and learning how to feed myself. I have had the time and resources to just sit and think and read and listen to God.

In the meantime, things have been hard financially, I've had a nagging foot problem for 8 months and I was sick with a bad cough for about a month and half. But somehow, as hard as some of the days have been, I think I am finding some of my answers.

Is it selfish to go to grad school? Well it could be, but as of now, God has given me a big green light on many fronts. I love doing it. I seem to be pretty good at it and the narrative I was hoping to change in my head is changing. God is becoming the loving Father I believed in because of Jesus instead of the rules oriented voice in my head. Some people I know have the opposite response to school, but so far so good. My husband has been very supportive of my desire as well.

Did everyone forget me? No. I am well loved and I have wonderful friends. My mother has forgotten me, but apparently God has surrounded me with people who really care about me. Thank you Jesus.

Did I learn that I am a pretty big introvert who has been playing the role of an extrovert for a really long time? Yes. The evidence has been there, I just didn't see it. On my birthday most years, I just want to go fishing by myself and have my husband available when I am ready to go to dinner. No time frames, just a day alone. That does not sound like an extrovert. I suppose campus ministry sends the message that you have to be an extrovert to do the job. But that's not entirely true. My love for the woman with 3 kids in line in front of me at the store is as important as the student I hug at church.

Is God leading me back to the thing I've been working towards for years? I have no idea. Some days I can accept that and other days I really struggle to let go. But my cough is clearing up. My foot seems to be getting better and our finances seem overwhelming and yet I feel hope. Hope feels good.

Do I know what is next? Yes. Tomorrow. And that is about all I know. So I will thank God for my Dad's ability to live in the moment with a woman with Alzheimers and learn from it. And I will enjoy the 16 mo. old little girl I am babysitting who knows only the present and learn from her too. God gives me the teachers I need when I need them. The break has helped me see His provision. I have not been as alone as I thought I was or as someone whispered in my ear. God has and will provide for me.

Thank You Jesus

Just take the next step

I am a planner. I'm sure I have an administrative gift, but I also find peace when things are in order. I grew up in a lot of chaos so order brings me comfort and a sense of safety. Sadly, most people create order by being control freaks and I am so good at it, I could lead a group of control freaks! However, I hate routine. I like to conquer things and then move on. Start it, organize it, make it better, hand it off and move on to something else.

But what if all the planning stops? I would never choose that of course, but what if God does it? What then? What if all the things you were planning aren't available anymore? The US boycotted the Olympics in 1980 due to the Cold War with Russia. How many of those athletes who had trained for years if not their whole lives had to deal with the death of their dreams? All that planning and time and training and sacrifice lost due to something completely out of their control. How do you deal with that?

"Though the way seems straight and narrow, all I had was swept away. My ambitions, plans and wishes, at my feet in disarray. I will Praise Him, I will Praise Him. Praise the Lamb for sinners slain. Give Him glory, all ye people, for his blood can wash away each stain." This is a song we sing in church. I like that it seems to understand how I've been feeling for awhile. But I would like to move on now. I would like to Praise Him with joy now instead of sadness. But something tells me there is an ebb and flow to praising God. I don't think He cares how we come, just that we come.

Next week I start Grad School at Moody Bible Institute for a Masters in Applied Biblical Studies. People say "That's great! What are you going to do with that?" and I say "Thanks, I have no idea." Not a great feeling, but that's where I am at. I am just taking the next step. There really is no plan anymore. I am just being faithful with this day because it has enough trouble of it's own. Love all the people God has woven into my life and let them love me. Those are easy directions to write, but crazy hard to follow. I seem to prefer to love than be loved. I'm sure it's related to trust but I don't quite get that part yet.

So this semester I start something new while I pull back from things I've done for a long time. The call on my life is to "take the gift". What is the gift? So far I think it's a slower pace of life; time with Jesus and His word; physical and emotional healing; enjoying my husband and teenagers (which I really do); a new venture and learning to pray. That seems like a pretty good list of gifts. So why the hesitation?

What if I'm just being selfish? Well, God is pretty good about showing us those things and then offering us grace and restoring us.

What if it doesn't lead me back to my original plan? Does that mean I've been wrong all this time? No, it means God needed me there for a time and now He needs me somewhere else for awhile. Not failure, just redirection. Not a waste of time, just training.

What if everyone forgets me and I am left all alone? Almost impossible in a house of 7 people, but maybe we only get a chance to feel loved when we take the risk of being forgotten. But we also know that though a mother may forget her own child, the Lord will never forget me.

Take courage anxious heart. Put your trust in the Lord for He is good.

A taste of freedom

What does freedom taste like? The Bible says "Taste and see that the Lord is good." How do we taste the Lord? One definition of taste is 'a brief experience of something, conveying its basic character.' I find some comfort in this idea that the experience may only be brief.

But what I want is to consume and be totally satisfied by the Lord, not just get a taste. I want freedom to rule all my decisions and all my emotions, every day 24/7. But that is called heaven and we are not there yet.

So today I want to taste freedom by making a crazy step of faith, like going to grad school at Moody just before I send my kids to college. I found myself smiling and a bit giddy as I wrote my deposit check and put it in the mail yesterday. On one hand, I could make a strong case for how impractical it is to pursue a masters in applied biblical studies at this stage of my life. What am I even going to do with that degree? Surely it would be wiser to put that money away for my kids colleges considering we have four of them coming one right after the other.

But then I think, how often does a step of faith seem practical? Do we even experience a taste of freedom when we live entirely practical lives? Maybe. I am not negative about being practical. It has saved us tons of money and heartache, but has it also kept us from seeing miracles?

On the other hand, why are my kid's educations more important than mine? Why do the things I long for in my heart always need to take a back seat? A lot of parenting is exactly that. When babies cry in the night, someone needs to get up and care for that child. It does not matter how tired you are or what else is planned. Babies rule the roost. But part of training a child is walking them through the balancing act that they are super important and greatly loved, but the world doesn't revolve around them. I would guess most parents really struggle with this balance because it is always changing. It is not a one size fits all equation. It looks different for each child and it changes as they grow and as we grow. But a child who thinks the world revolves around them is in for a lot of heartache and is really not very enjoyable to be around. I fear America is raising a lot of these kids right now.

So taking the step to go to grad school without a tangible goal and at a questionable time in life, when money is tight, seems unwise. But my heart longs for it. I have my reasons but they seem too selfish most days.

I want to know God's voice better and be quicker to obey the Spirit.
I want to argue with learned, older men about truth!
I want to understand the context of the scriptures already in my heart.
I want to teach the Word of God with confidence and handle it accurately.
I want the narrative in my head when I read the bible to sound more like a loving father than a condemning, factual author.
I want to wrestle with why we do church the way we do and how to really love the way Jesus did.
I want to feel more loved, cared for and protected because I trust God more.

Perhaps these are unrealistic goals, but I won't know until I try. I love to learn and wrestle and argue, not to belittle others, but to know that I really know. From where I stand, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of things in life you can really know with absolute certainty. Life seems very complicated as you get older. But I am holding out hope that I can know God loves me with absolute certainty.

I feel closer to that truth now than when I was young. But my hope is to taste and see the Lord is good by devouring His word and letting it pour over me like the spring rain watering the earth.

Here we go!

Reality Face Slap

I've heard the term "Reality Check" before, but the incident the other night felt like a "Reality Face Slap". Did you see it in real time? With the internet, we can all go find the clip, but it was different to be in the throws of the game and experience it. We call it March Madness for a reason. A good portion of the country gets into it with their brackets and the potential for cinderella stories like FGCU. But when that kid from Louisville broke his leg with a compound fracture after a simple attempt to block a 3 point shot, we all stopped.

I think they only showed the replay once because, like the Joe Theisman injury, it was too gruesome to watch. But what followed was the face slap. Silence. The crowd went silent; his teammates dropped to the floor in tears and horror; even the announcers were quiet. There was nothing to say. We were all stunned and horrified. It was like we all woke up for 9 minutes while they stabilized and treated this kid and we remembered "this is just a game."

Now of course the medical staff did a great job, both coaches rallied their teams through their own tears and the game ended like some made for TV movie. But for 9 minutes we all woke up and had to deal with reality in the midst of our American sports obsession.

I remember many years ago when I was pregnant with my first child watching first hand an event like that. I was sitting about 10 cars deep at a stop light when two boys, maybe 9 and 5 years old cut in front of my car to cross the road. The older boy looked out at the on-coming traffic and hurried across to beat the traffic. But the younger boy hesitated, never looked and when he finally darted out, the on-coming car had no time to stop at all. In horror, we watched this little boy be thrown over the top of this car like a rag doll. That would have been horrific if you had just seen it on TV, but we had a front row seat. Just before he darted, we started yelling in the car for him to stop, but he couldn't hear us and it all happened so fast. I can still feel the powerlessness of the situation and the panic that overtook me as we pulled over and tried to help.

It happened in a predominately black neighborhood and the boys themselves were also black. People in the houses started pouring out to try and help while calling 911. I remember being impressed with how quickly they took control of the situation as if they all had done it before. Eventually the ambulance came and the police came, but through it all there sat a short white man on the sidewalk near the little boy. The little boy was not moving though he was talking. The short white man just sat there staring at the boy. I could not place him right away in all the commotion. At one point the parents showed up and the mother just screamed and ran away while the father started yelling at the older boy. Trauma does strange things to people. But the short white man just sat and stared at the broken little boy. Eventually I realized this was the driver.

To say this man was undone, is an understatement. He was completely devastated. We did what we could to help, but mainly we wanted to tell the police what we had seen and assure them it was no one's fault. It was just a tragic series of events. But before I left I spoke to the driver as well. I assured him there was nothing he could have done and it wasn't his fault, but I have no doubt, that event changed his life. I know it changed mine.

I have often pictured America as a powerful giant being slowly rocked to sleep by our love for entertainment and sport. Please understand that I am a big sports fan and I am more than willing to rearrange my schedule around the Colt's football games. But events like this wake us up to the fragility of our lives. We are not our own, but even as a Christian I often forget this truth. Jesus Christ laid down his own life for me, that I might live, and yet most days I don't even think about that truth much less thank God for it.

So today I will thank God for this life, however long it may be. I will not withhold my praise of other's because I know how much a good word can lift a man's spirit. The scripture says Prvbs 25:11 "The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl." Everyone needs to know that you can see them. Specific praise helps people feel seen.

But I will also get back to counting my blessings. I started a journal awhile back that listed my blessings. I was inspired by a book called "1000 gifts". The habit of listing my blessings is so good for my soul. It wakes me up to reality without the face slap and helps me see the way my God sees me and provides for me all the time. As a result I feel seen and that is a very good feeling.

Good feeling gone

Finding Nemo is a favorite movie in our house. We love the story of letting go of fear and learning to trust again. It also helps that Dorey is seriously funny. A fish with short term memory loss? That is creative stuff. One of my favorite lines is when Dorey and Marlin are in the black depths and they see a light. It draws them in and even makes Marlin happy (which is a big deal for him). Then suddenly they realize that its a trap set by an anglerfish who wants to eat them. Marlin immediately yells "Good feeling gone!"

Yeah, that's how I've been feeling lately. I don't know what that feeling is called so instead I resort to a movie reference. The name of this blog is "Becoming what God intended". I did that on purpose because I knew we (Jesus and I) were in a time of redefining. But what if the thing you've been avoiding all this time, is actually true? What then? I came up short with my register the other day and I just stood there and redid the math multiple times and even asked someone else to double check it for me. I was sure I had done the day well and could not figure out why I was so short. That is what is happening to my self concept. I keep doing the math over and over again and I keep coming up with a different answer than the one I started with.

I suppose that would be ok if I liked the new answer, but I don't. I am looking at all the evidence and what it ultimately means and I want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Yes, I know I am being cryptic. Perhaps it is my way of stalling, because once I write this down, I just might need to accept it.

So here is the awful truth; I am kind and tender and I believe in people. Those are qualities I've been trying to rid myself of most of my life because this world is so cruel and so broken, it just hurts to breathe sometimes. I decided, probably a long time ago, to be tough and powerful and exceedingly competent. God has given me a lot of talents and gifts. I know that, but I have used them largely as shields to protect myself from other's pain rather than for the building up of the body of Christ.

Now the truth is that, God has still built up the body of Christ with my gifts. That is an amazing attribute of God. He uses everything. I grow more impressed with that all the time. Even in my defensive posture, somehow people were served and loved and bills were paid. But it has taken such a toll on me. Some might say I've been serving in my own strength, but its much deeper than that. I'm not trying to impress anyone really. I'm trying to prove to myself I am what I think I am. From the outside, they probably look the same, but they are very different internally.

I am a very passionate person. There is no doubt. You should see me on a tennis court or in worship or watching a football game. I can be very passionate. But I also love deeply and am extremely loyal. I like to bring order to the chaos whether it is the result of poor administration or a life filled with lies. But more than anything, I want to bring freedom to the captives. So many of us are trapped. Trapped by our own poor choices, Satan's lies, the wounds of others and sometimes just because we don't know God loves us.

I am brave. Sometimes stupidly brave and I will enter into the mess with others. I will ask the hard questions like "What is this elephant doing in the room?!" I don't walk around the hard stuff. But I am learning that sometimes love actually sits in the room with my friend and their elephant and just enjoys the person until they see the elephant and want to talk about it. That is hard because I see a lot of elephants. However, I can also look back and see a number of people who have sat in the room with me and my elephants and attempted to enjoy me right where I was at. I suspect it was as hard for them then as it is for me now.

So who am I? I want to answer that and have been attempting to for many years. But I am also starting to realize that part of the answer is "who cares?" The Lord does, but he already knows the answer so why all the fuss? The goal of the christian's life is not to figure out who we are. It is simply to love and be loved. Even the goal of figuring it all out is a small shield of sorts. It's not wrong to try, but at some point, "who cares?" I have gotten to that place with alot of my questions. Is gay marriage wrong? Did God create kinds or use evolution? Is there dark matter in the universe? Why do my husband, kids and friends love me? Who cares? It is enough that they just do.

Perhaps this is the break my heart needs in order to thrive. A break from my own head. (Yeah, I think I started rambling a bit ago. Feel free to check out.) But my head has always demanded to do a clearance check on anything that wants access to my heart. I have a long memory when it comes to other's failures and wounds. I hold grudges and demand evidence of change before I consider forgiveness. I don't see those qualities in Jesus. So as a result, I don't want them in my life either.

In all of these wrestlings, however, I have held a simple vision in my heart and have returned to it often. Jesus has just rescued me from a very scary and overwhelming situation as a young child and now we are walking down the street together holding hands. The sun is setting and nothing else matters. We are just enjoying each other. I am maybe 4 or 5 years old and his face is lit up with the joy of just spending time with me. At some point he asks me if I want to get some ice cream. I say yes. He asks what kind and I say strawberry. (My favorite as a kid) He then looks at me and says "Really? I thought you liked pickle ice cream?" And we laugh together at how absurd that would be to have pickle ice cream. It is a beautiful vision that pours grace and love over me as I fight and wrestle with who I might really just be in such a broken place. And I long to see Him face to face.

Thank you Jesus for being so tender to me. Help me be brave enough to be tender here in this broken place while I wait for your return.

Starting over, again.

This was a really emotional day for me. I was all over the place. It was my first day at a new job and my kids headed back to school. This new job is to help us out financially, but also to add some structure to my life. (I like to work. It refreshes me.) But the job is very entry level and it's hard to not feel like I am starting all over again in the middle of my life. But the truth is: I am.

So I feel a bit embarrassed sitting in a class with college kids being trained to work a cash register and make sandwiches. But I also feel excited about starting something new and taking a step closer to my dream of owning a Chick-fil-a someday. I am concerned I will not be able to handle getting up at 5am everyday. I feel frustrated that my current earning potential is so meager compared to my husbands. But I also feel thankful that this job is flexible enough for me to be home everyday for my kids after-school and not miss them during their teen years. Lastly, I feel sad that I won't be making their lunches in the mornings and hugging my youngest everyday before he goes to school. So it's been a big day for me in many ways. I suppose that is why I am blogging at 2am.

Between all the emotion today, I could not help but think about all of the ways I am starting over in my life. I am on a tennis team, but I still feel new to the game. I am taking piano lessons, but it is a lot of work (I understand why people start young). I've started writing, but I am a poor english student. I've signed up for grad school to study the Word of God just cuz I want to but without a clear application in sight. But I have also noticed that the things I have been chasing after for many years seemed to have gotten in a car and driven away leaving me standing in the road. That's not a good feeling.

So right now there is this constant companion of uneasiness and loss and maybe hope. But hope can be a dangerous word and I do not use it flippantly. Clearly I have put my hope in many things over the years only to be deeply disappointed. So I am stepping back to reconsider the landscape. There is no way to avoid all disappointment, the world is a broken place. But I will give myself a little more time to assess who to trust. I don't have to trust everyone. But I do have to trust someone.

My hope is in God, but I believe it is manifested by believing in and trusting others. I watched my Father entrust himself over and over again to bad people who took advantage of him and used him for their own gain. Then I watched him beat himself up for trusting them. And then I watched him do it over and over again. This is the cycle of the victim. I am asking God to break that cycle in my life for the sake of our kids and grandkids. Some days it is crazy exhausting. I think this was one of them.

So let me end with truth. Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so. So I will go to sleep now and accept that I am weak but He is strong and as His little one, I belong.

Good Night.