First Step

Ok, I did it! I took the sabbatical and finished my first semester of grad school. Man am I a nerd! I love grad school. So fun for me to be immersed in the Word of God and learning how to feed myself. I have had the time and resources to just sit and think and read and listen to God.

In the meantime, things have been hard financially, I've had a nagging foot problem for 8 months and I was sick with a bad cough for about a month and half. But somehow, as hard as some of the days have been, I think I am finding some of my answers.

Is it selfish to go to grad school? Well it could be, but as of now, God has given me a big green light on many fronts. I love doing it. I seem to be pretty good at it and the narrative I was hoping to change in my head is changing. God is becoming the loving Father I believed in because of Jesus instead of the rules oriented voice in my head. Some people I know have the opposite response to school, but so far so good. My husband has been very supportive of my desire as well.

Did everyone forget me? No. I am well loved and I have wonderful friends. My mother has forgotten me, but apparently God has surrounded me with people who really care about me. Thank you Jesus.

Did I learn that I am a pretty big introvert who has been playing the role of an extrovert for a really long time? Yes. The evidence has been there, I just didn't see it. On my birthday most years, I just want to go fishing by myself and have my husband available when I am ready to go to dinner. No time frames, just a day alone. That does not sound like an extrovert. I suppose campus ministry sends the message that you have to be an extrovert to do the job. But that's not entirely true. My love for the woman with 3 kids in line in front of me at the store is as important as the student I hug at church.

Is God leading me back to the thing I've been working towards for years? I have no idea. Some days I can accept that and other days I really struggle to let go. But my cough is clearing up. My foot seems to be getting better and our finances seem overwhelming and yet I feel hope. Hope feels good.

Do I know what is next? Yes. Tomorrow. And that is about all I know. So I will thank God for my Dad's ability to live in the moment with a woman with Alzheimers and learn from it. And I will enjoy the 16 mo. old little girl I am babysitting who knows only the present and learn from her too. God gives me the teachers I need when I need them. The break has helped me see His provision. I have not been as alone as I thought I was or as someone whispered in my ear. God has and will provide for me.

Thank You Jesus