Good feeling gone

Finding Nemo is a favorite movie in our house. We love the story of letting go of fear and learning to trust again. It also helps that Dorey is seriously funny. A fish with short term memory loss? That is creative stuff. One of my favorite lines is when Dorey and Marlin are in the black depths and they see a light. It draws them in and even makes Marlin happy (which is a big deal for him). Then suddenly they realize that its a trap set by an anglerfish who wants to eat them. Marlin immediately yells "Good feeling gone!"

Yeah, that's how I've been feeling lately. I don't know what that feeling is called so instead I resort to a movie reference. The name of this blog is "Becoming what God intended". I did that on purpose because I knew we (Jesus and I) were in a time of redefining. But what if the thing you've been avoiding all this time, is actually true? What then? I came up short with my register the other day and I just stood there and redid the math multiple times and even asked someone else to double check it for me. I was sure I had done the day well and could not figure out why I was so short. That is what is happening to my self concept. I keep doing the math over and over again and I keep coming up with a different answer than the one I started with.

I suppose that would be ok if I liked the new answer, but I don't. I am looking at all the evidence and what it ultimately means and I want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Yes, I know I am being cryptic. Perhaps it is my way of stalling, because once I write this down, I just might need to accept it.

So here is the awful truth; I am kind and tender and I believe in people. Those are qualities I've been trying to rid myself of most of my life because this world is so cruel and so broken, it just hurts to breathe sometimes. I decided, probably a long time ago, to be tough and powerful and exceedingly competent. God has given me a lot of talents and gifts. I know that, but I have used them largely as shields to protect myself from other's pain rather than for the building up of the body of Christ.

Now the truth is that, God has still built up the body of Christ with my gifts. That is an amazing attribute of God. He uses everything. I grow more impressed with that all the time. Even in my defensive posture, somehow people were served and loved and bills were paid. But it has taken such a toll on me. Some might say I've been serving in my own strength, but its much deeper than that. I'm not trying to impress anyone really. I'm trying to prove to myself I am what I think I am. From the outside, they probably look the same, but they are very different internally.

I am a very passionate person. There is no doubt. You should see me on a tennis court or in worship or watching a football game. I can be very passionate. But I also love deeply and am extremely loyal. I like to bring order to the chaos whether it is the result of poor administration or a life filled with lies. But more than anything, I want to bring freedom to the captives. So many of us are trapped. Trapped by our own poor choices, Satan's lies, the wounds of others and sometimes just because we don't know God loves us.

I am brave. Sometimes stupidly brave and I will enter into the mess with others. I will ask the hard questions like "What is this elephant doing in the room?!" I don't walk around the hard stuff. But I am learning that sometimes love actually sits in the room with my friend and their elephant and just enjoys the person until they see the elephant and want to talk about it. That is hard because I see a lot of elephants. However, I can also look back and see a number of people who have sat in the room with me and my elephants and attempted to enjoy me right where I was at. I suspect it was as hard for them then as it is for me now.

So who am I? I want to answer that and have been attempting to for many years. But I am also starting to realize that part of the answer is "who cares?" The Lord does, but he already knows the answer so why all the fuss? The goal of the christian's life is not to figure out who we are. It is simply to love and be loved. Even the goal of figuring it all out is a small shield of sorts. It's not wrong to try, but at some point, "who cares?" I have gotten to that place with alot of my questions. Is gay marriage wrong? Did God create kinds or use evolution? Is there dark matter in the universe? Why do my husband, kids and friends love me? Who cares? It is enough that they just do.

Perhaps this is the break my heart needs in order to thrive. A break from my own head. (Yeah, I think I started rambling a bit ago. Feel free to check out.) But my head has always demanded to do a clearance check on anything that wants access to my heart. I have a long memory when it comes to other's failures and wounds. I hold grudges and demand evidence of change before I consider forgiveness. I don't see those qualities in Jesus. So as a result, I don't want them in my life either.

In all of these wrestlings, however, I have held a simple vision in my heart and have returned to it often. Jesus has just rescued me from a very scary and overwhelming situation as a young child and now we are walking down the street together holding hands. The sun is setting and nothing else matters. We are just enjoying each other. I am maybe 4 or 5 years old and his face is lit up with the joy of just spending time with me. At some point he asks me if I want to get some ice cream. I say yes. He asks what kind and I say strawberry. (My favorite as a kid) He then looks at me and says "Really? I thought you liked pickle ice cream?" And we laugh together at how absurd that would be to have pickle ice cream. It is a beautiful vision that pours grace and love over me as I fight and wrestle with who I might really just be in such a broken place. And I long to see Him face to face.

Thank you Jesus for being so tender to me. Help me be brave enough to be tender here in this broken place while I wait for your return.

Starting over, again.

This was a really emotional day for me. I was all over the place. It was my first day at a new job and my kids headed back to school. This new job is to help us out financially, but also to add some structure to my life. (I like to work. It refreshes me.) But the job is very entry level and it's hard to not feel like I am starting all over again in the middle of my life. But the truth is: I am.

So I feel a bit embarrassed sitting in a class with college kids being trained to work a cash register and make sandwiches. But I also feel excited about starting something new and taking a step closer to my dream of owning a Chick-fil-a someday. I am concerned I will not be able to handle getting up at 5am everyday. I feel frustrated that my current earning potential is so meager compared to my husbands. But I also feel thankful that this job is flexible enough for me to be home everyday for my kids after-school and not miss them during their teen years. Lastly, I feel sad that I won't be making their lunches in the mornings and hugging my youngest everyday before he goes to school. So it's been a big day for me in many ways. I suppose that is why I am blogging at 2am.

Between all the emotion today, I could not help but think about all of the ways I am starting over in my life. I am on a tennis team, but I still feel new to the game. I am taking piano lessons, but it is a lot of work (I understand why people start young). I've started writing, but I am a poor english student. I've signed up for grad school to study the Word of God just cuz I want to but without a clear application in sight. But I have also noticed that the things I have been chasing after for many years seemed to have gotten in a car and driven away leaving me standing in the road. That's not a good feeling.

So right now there is this constant companion of uneasiness and loss and maybe hope. But hope can be a dangerous word and I do not use it flippantly. Clearly I have put my hope in many things over the years only to be deeply disappointed. So I am stepping back to reconsider the landscape. There is no way to avoid all disappointment, the world is a broken place. But I will give myself a little more time to assess who to trust. I don't have to trust everyone. But I do have to trust someone.

My hope is in God, but I believe it is manifested by believing in and trusting others. I watched my Father entrust himself over and over again to bad people who took advantage of him and used him for their own gain. Then I watched him beat himself up for trusting them. And then I watched him do it over and over again. This is the cycle of the victim. I am asking God to break that cycle in my life for the sake of our kids and grandkids. Some days it is crazy exhausting. I think this was one of them.

So let me end with truth. Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so. So I will go to sleep now and accept that I am weak but He is strong and as His little one, I belong.

Good Night.