Well, I became Catholic. Now what?

Becoming Catholic took about a year and it has been a glorious adventure. I have learned so much about myself and how humble I am not. I have continually cried each time I sit in Mass and only recently after a beautiful orchestration by God have I begun receiving the Eucharist.

I simply can not even begin to explain the journey I have been on this past year.

I remember a moment in the theater, when I cried out to God that I missed the Body of Christ and I had no idea how to be a part of it again. I was broken hearted. That might have been the most beautiful prayer I've prayed in a long time because it simply acknowledged by need and said please to a good God. I think we deeply underestimate the importance of desperation in our prayers. Not the pretend stuff that attracts attention but the real gut wrenching honest stuff that lies face down on the floor and weeps at the feet of God.

But then God moved. I never saw it coming.

Looking back, the curve balls have been flying past me most of my life if I'm honest. This is just the most recent series. So here is what I am conviced of as a result of this leg of the journey.

I have no idea where this train is headed.

Sadly that's been true for a really long time. I'm just coming to terms with it. But He is a good God and I am more sure of that too. So perhaps I can let go and just trust Him?

Now that would truly change everything. A faith that simply leans back into the loving arms of a beautiful Father? I can't really imagine it but that has never stopped God from showing up and being faithful to me.

So now what?

I just turned 54. I've been living the same way for a long time with both hands firmly on the wheel. If I thought moving from Protestant to Catholic was a big deal, this choice should blow my mind (which I thought had already happened.)

Time to let go.

The big interruption Part 2

As our son was graduating from High School, we realized that life was about to dramatically change. We were going to officially be empty nesters and I would eventually sell the house and move to CA to join my husband. There were days of enthusiasm, days of dread, days of sadness and loss and days of deep fear! But we also realized it was time to celebrate and trust God for great things. So we threw an extravagant weekend party, brought together the entire family and celebrated as much as we could!

We started with our son's high school graduation and open house. Then we moved to a Sunday morning brunch and honored my in laws 65th wedding anniversary. Finally we ended the weekend with a dance party at our local theater while Joel and I renewed our vows with our kids, friends and family. It was the most glorious weekend! I loved being surrounded by all my kids, family and close friends! And then everyone went home and the hard work began. Or so I thought.

At some point in all the celebrating and change, a friend of mine who I met in the theater asked if I would be willing to let her move in for the fall while she worked on her internship for her Masters. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time and I was sure I would appreciate the company as I prepped for the big move to CA and got my house ready to sell. But that's not how it played out.

From the beginning Lizz and I were woven together by God. I did not see it like that initially but looking back, there was definitely a plan for a beautiful friendship that only God could have orchestrated. As I mentioned in the last blog, my son and I both appeared in "The Little Mermaid". It was a beautiful memory for both of us and our relationship. Well Lizz was the actual Little Mermaid! She is a delightful young woman full of joy and zeal for Jesus! I also enjoyed working with her during the production. So when she needed a place to stay, I figured it would just be fun if I ever actually saw her between all she was doing.

But that's not what God was thinking.

To begin with, I was nursing a pretty bad ministry wound and really did not have a church anymore. In fact, after serving in the protestant church for 30 years, I really did not want to go back and felt deeply lost. I loved Jesus and really missed being a part of a church body, but I simply did not know what to do about it. I spent most of my time at the theater volunteering and helping out. It felt like a family and I loved the people and projects! Lizz also loved the theater and we saw each other a lot there.

But Lizz is also Catholic. If I'm honest, I've met very few Catholic's on fire for Jesus. Lizz was on fire for Jesus!

Before we ever became roommates, she had invited me to Mass many times. I usually said no. But then one day I said yes. Looking back I'm not really sure why I said yes other than I missed church and I loved Lizz's zeal. But you have to understand, my mother was not treated well by the Catholic Church. In fact they shamed and dishonored her during her time of need. When I lost my heart for Protestantism, I was not considering the Catholic Church. I just felt lost and abandon. It never occurred to me to go to Mass. Yet here I was with this joyful young woman attending Mass and that is when it happened.

My heart began to breath again.

I couldn't really understand what was happening at first. I just kept going back because it felt good but I wasn't sure why and then I just started crying every time I went. I saw and felt such beauty and reverence in each part of the Mass and some part of my soul that had been yearning was finally being watered. I never saw that coming. But God did.

Eventually Lizz and I began attending Mass almost daily together and became roommates. We started learning from one another about our journeys with God and we had so much to offer each other from our faith traditions. Then we saw God simply do things that blew our minds in the spiritual realms. We made good food together and went on some epic adventures together. In just one semester together we saw God move mountains and we became very good friends. She even drove across the country with me when it was time to move to CA. In the meantime, I decided to become Catholic and have been on that journey for the past 8 months. Lizz was a great sponsor before I moved and continues to be involved even from a distance. Recently we even started a podcast together in hopes of capturing the amazing things we have seen God do!

How did God do that? With His mighty right hand! That's how he did it!

We deeply underestimate how committed God is to us friends. He knows the state of your heart. He knows what is broken and how to fix it. Do we live open handed enough to allow him to mend it? I promise, you will never see it coming. I think he delights in doing things that blow our minds so we do not confuse His power with our cleverness.

Our God is mighty to save! Will you allow Him to save you today?

That was a big interruption!

Hello friends!

Well that was almost a 2 year interruption! But so much good has happened in the last 2 years, its hard to put it all into words. So let me just sum up.

In 2016 my husband spent about a year out of work and we were rocked. It rocked our marriage and our finances and then God intervened in a myriad of ways. First we put our marriage back together and on the right track. Then God gave my husband a good job in town that helped us find our feet again. By Spring of 2017 however, the West Coast started calling. Literally. Out of nowhere my husband started getting calls and requests for interviews from Google, Facebook, Amazon, Indeed and LinkedIn.

Looking back we both see that my husband had really been humbled and chose to humble himself during the year of no work. Was God now lifting him up? Apparently, but these were also my husband's dream jobs and a chance to be with the inventors of the world in Silicon Valley. Most days we could not believe what was happening! So after several months of being flown around for several interviews with these big companies, he took a job with LinkedIN in Silicon Valley. Apple is across the street and Google is down the road.

But here was the kicker; he had to leave while our youngest son was in his senior year of school.

We have always made a strong commitment to our kids during their senior years. My life especially patterns them and we keep them at the center of it all for the entire year. So my husband sat down with our son and had a frank conversation about the ramifications of taking this job out West. My husband and I were willing to live apart for the year so our son could finish his senior year in Indiana if he was ok with it. Otherwise we would all stay together and trust God for another opportunity after he graduated. Our son's response was outstanding. "It sounds like you would be pursuing one of your dreams Dad. You should go for it!" That was a sweet gift to his father!

So for our son's senior year, I lived in Indiana and my husband lived in California.

In the meantime, my son and I also spent most of our time together volunteering and working at our local community theatre. We both appeared in "The Little Mermaid" as Flounder and Ursula. (Wanna guess who was who?) We had so much fun we ended up doing several more shows together all in different capacities. We played together in the pit, worked backstage, and enjoyed the theater together in many more ways. It was a tremendous year together and my husband was able to visit often. Truly a beautiful gift to me, my husband and my son. You just can't write this stuff! Only God can orchestrate such a beautiful story.

But I also learned so much about myself while serving in the theater.

I began to listen to my body and talk about my potential. I no longer felt stifled or boxed in. I was able to expand my world and not feel guilty. I brought my entire skill set to the table and helped the theater in an endless number of ways and no one was competing with me. In fact I found less ego in the theater than I did in the church. That was eye opening to me and heart breaking.

Once my husband took the job, we had real money for the first time and I simply did not need to work. So I quit my job at the church and started to let myself unwind and explore the new adventure of the theater. Most everyone I spoke to said it seemed to light me up inside. I had to agree. What started out as this fun thing to do with my son, became deeply life giving to me in ways I could not anticipate. It was a tremendous gift from God on several levels.

My time in the theater changed me. It felt like a new path had come alive and now I was becoming something much bigger and fuller than anything I had experienced in the church. What was God doing?

So that gets you caught up to the Fall of 2019 when my youngest son went off to college and I was officially an empty nester.

Or was I? The story continues . . . .

Time to write again

Last year I published a book. I have heard many people say that writing a book is like delivering a baby. I will confirm that.

But this baby had a 4-5 year gestation period which is just nuts!

After writing my book and being able to hold the final product in my hand and post it on Amazon for sale, life shifted. Not because I became famous. I have probably only sold a couple hundred copies. Life shifted for me because my story is out there. Anyone can buy it and read it. That changes you somewhere in the deeper places. You really start to wrestle with the question, "Where are you going with all of this God? What am I created to do?" I've been sitting there for awhile now.

In the meantime, however, it's been really fun to sign my name in the front cover of a book I wrote and produced. Yeah, I won't lie. That's cool!

But God brought so many people into my life to help me along the way. The stories are never ending. I had a dear friend do all my editing. (I simply do not know what a comma is for, it turns out.) God brought a book publisher to me through my tennis team. I did a Go Fund Me campaign to raise the money to print my book and people were so generous and excited, I had the money together in 20 days. I was simply blown away!

Those are kind confirmations from a good God when you are still trying to believe you really have anything important to say. But my book is important for many reasons. The main reason is it simply tells the story of my redemption. God has been so good and has done so much for me and my loved ones. How can I not sing his praises and then publish it?

It is also a book about becoming what God intended.

God did not intend me to be gay. He also did not intend me to be repeatedly hurt by controlling men in my life and a theology that oppresses women. God did not intend a lot of things that have happened to me. What He did intend was for me to know I am loved. This has been His goal all along in the midst of all the pain and sadness and trauma. I am loved by God.

So I will start writing again.

I did not burn out after writing my book. It was simply time to do some other things. But now it is time to write again. I have a few book ideas that I am really excited about and in the meantime blogging keeps the water stirred.

Are you allowing God to redeem your story friend?

He is so eager to do that for you. In fact that is his primary goal in your life. Redemption. I encourage you to work with the plan. He is good and I promise it will be a good plan. It may not always feel good. That is a sad reality of living in a fallen world and having an enemy. But God wins and simply asks us to trust Him and follow. May you follow with child like faith today.

Living in the Bind

Really bad guys like the Joker in Lego Batman, ask the hero to make the hard choices. "Capture me or diffuse the bomb, Batman! You can't do both." Of course the really good guys end up doing both somehow but perhaps not right at that moment.

How do we live in the bind of life? I am not a superhero and yet I feel that I am constantly asked to live in this space if I am to love well and be faithful to God. How do we continue to be in relationship with people who have hurt us badly? Sometimes, we don't stay in relationship with them. Sometimes we need to be brave enough to walk away, but life is often not that easy. It's complicated. What if one of your kids wounds you deeply? Walk away or live in the bind? What if people you served with wound you but your kids are all friends? Walk away or live in the bind?

Is there a chance that God actually wants us to live in the bind? In John 1:14:

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

That seems like a bind. How can we be full of grace and truth? Thankfully, Jesus spends his life modeling this for us. He has large crowds following Him and then He says hard things and many turn away. So many, in fact, He asks his own followers if they are leaving as well. (John 6)

Does God get glory when we learn to live in the bind? I think so. I think it takes faith, hope, and a tender heart to live well in the bind. I know it creates a dependency in me on God leading the day in and day out. I must be surrendered to His leading and learn to stand firm until He moves. That can be hard and painful sometimes. But does that make it wrong? I used to think that must mean I am doing something wrong. I don't believe that anymore. It may actually mean I am doing something right.

There is good pain and there is bad pain. Not all pain is the same. All good athletes know that the body will feel pain on the road to recovery from an injury. That is not bad pain. It is necessary pain in order to strengthen the muscles and convince the mind that we can do this again. Well after my knee surgery, my head was still afraid of hurting myself again. Often we need to heal much more than just the physical trauma after an injury. This is true in relationships as well.

The past has a way of re-enacting itself on our present when we don't attend to it. You would be surprised how many of your choices are informed by an unresolved past. Consider your healing journey today friend. I know God is because He wants true freedom for you. He wants you to sit at the banquet table He has prepared for you and feast, not settle for the crumbs on the floor.

Trust Him today. I promise He is good.

Waiting Well

"I hate wait." This is one of my favorite lines from the Princess Bride as Miracle Max is trying to revive Wesley who is only mostly dead. Inigo is in a desperate hurry to avenge his father's death at the hands of the 6 fingered man.

I'm with Inigo. I hate wait. "We are men of action. Lies do not become us." This is also a great exchange between Wesley and the 6 fingered man. (His name is Count Rugen. Did you know that?) I am also a woman of action and having to wait is just a killer sometimes.

So why does God ask us to wait? Clearly this is part of His progression when growing up His people. Moses spends 40 years in the desert before he leads the people out of slavery and into the desert for 40 years. Joseph is thrown into a pit, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and then forgotten in prison before he becomes 2nd in command and saves the people from famine. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in jail before he led South Africa out of Apartheid. God uses waiting. But how?

If I wanted to compete at the Olympics, I would understand my need for training. Often when I watch the Olympics I try to imagine how many hours a young man or woman has spent training for something like a dive or vault that might last less than a minute in competition. The ratio has to be staggering. So why do we assume anything less when God is training us? The beauty of God's training is He wastes nothing. Joseph blessed Potipher's home and the jail with his gifts. Moses married and had a family in the desert. Nelson befriended his captures and learned their language while in prison. But all these people were changed during the waiting.

Will I let God change me as He desires during the waiting? Will I continue to do the next thing in love until I am called to do the thing I was created to do? What if I am already doing the thing I was created to do? Can I trust God with my life? Today I will say yes. Hopefully I will say yes again tomorrow and the day after that. But perhaps that is part of the lesson of waiting. Learning how to say yes day after day for an extended period of time so it becomes a muscle memory just like an Olympic athlete or concert pianist.

So is it waiting or training? Waiting seems passive and I am a woman of action. So I will see it as training and I will learn to wait well today. (and hopefully tomorrow too)

The Deep Healing

I'm not sure I understood what I was getting into when I decided to follow Jesus. In fact I'm sure I did not understand what it meant to "surrender all to Jesus", but after almost 30 years of following Him, I am starting to.

When Jesus speaks to the rich young ruler in Mark 10 it's clear the young man is devout. He has spent his life in obedience and yet one thing he lacks.

"Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” 22 But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property.

I really appreciate how the passage mentions Jesus' love for the young man. It almost suggests that Jesus knows where this is going and how this will end with sadness. Why do you suppose it was so sad for this young man? He went away grieving because he owned much property. Clearly his hope was not in God. Even though he had lived an obedient life, the true cost of following Jesus was too high.

I'm struck that Jesus let him go. He did not try to talk him into it or dumb it down or lower the bar. He was sad for him. But He also let him sit in it.

So the point? I was not aware of the deep healing I needed in my life. I gave my life to Jesus with an honest faith that said I am scared and lost and I want to come home now. But our God is not content to just welcome us home. He wants to offer us the deep healing that brings the deep freedom. I am starting to feel the deep freedom, but the cost has been so high. My consolation is that Jesus' cost was so high as well. Our freedom cost more than just His life. It cost Him his dignity, his reputation, his glory, his rightful place in heaven, and his unbroken fellowship with the Father. Death was probably a relief considering all he endured on our behalf here.

So what is he asking you for? Where is the door that leads to the deep healing in your soul and are you willing to give Him the key? He will not take it from you. It will always be your choice to take a step of trust and move a little closer. But don't pretend it won't hurt. It will. It will be a pain like nothing else and yet it will be submerged in His kindness. How does He do that? I have no idea, but I speak as one who has felt it and has been changed.

May you allow Him access to your deepest hurts. He is good and He is kind, but we must be brave.