Trying to stand in line

My daughter and I were talking the other day about following the rules and obeying authority, etc. She made an interesting comment. "I really try to stay in line, but I just can't!" Now she is 19, and I don't know a lot of 19 year olds that stand in line well. But I have been challenged by the fact, I have said the same thing most of my life. I really want to obey the rules! I like the sense of security you get when you obey the rules. The rules are also a way to make everyone around you more predictable. (Do you see where this is going?) Without rules, life is chaos. I know some of those families without rules and children need boundaries in order to feel safe, but when do you start to loosen the boundaries or even take down the fences? (Yes, this is a very metaphorical blog today.) Is it really a bad thing if we can't stand in line? As Christians is seems like a very bad thing, but I would challenge that. (You saw that coming didn't you?)

How do we look at much of anything the early church did in the book of Acts and not see a bunch of people who simply would not stand in line anymore? My oldest is in 3rd year Japanese and Chinese as a freshman in college. She got there by going into the professors and discussing in those languages why she was confident she could do it. My other daughter is stepping out of band at her school because she wants to do more with her music and feels too confined by the school politics she keeps experiencing. As a junior she is ready for private lessons with a college prof to take her piano to the next level. She started with him last year and wants to do even more with music in the community the same way my husband does. My oldest son is really going after his soccer dreams and doing the work to get better by joining an off season club and not spreading himself too thin. My youngest is taking online math classes because the accelerated math classes at school simply do not challenge him. He has asked us several times if he can take something online that he can do as fast as he wants. (I think we are going to start calling him Dash.) Based on his current plan, he will start high school next year in pre-calc. These kids are just terrible at standing in line!

But I could not be prouder. Please see that it's really not about their accomplishments, but rather their desire to go for it! They do not see the limitations of the systems around them, instead they believe there is more and they can do it and we will help them. I was an overachiever in school as a kid too, but I know it was motivated by a need for validation and attention. Life at home was broken and I found all my value in what I could accomplish. I know what that looks like and how it feels. I don't think that is what is happening here, but I suppose time will tell.

But in the meantime, I want to be their biggest cheerleader and allow them to inspire me to do the same. I am in grad school at a time when they are either in or going to college. That seems a little silly and not all together financially responsible. But I love it! I've wanted to do it for so many years and God finally allowed for it, even though the money is always hard. It's actually fun to study together!

Sadly in my experience of Christianity, there has been a fair amount of shaming associated with getting out of line. My kids do not see being a Christian as an automatic "I can trust this person" badge. That saddens me, but I think it's an honest reality. Being part of a church does not mean we are going to heaven. Trusting Jesus means we will be with Him in eternity. Our salvation is not in the systems of man, but rather in our relationship with Jesus and He may have been the worst person in history at standing in line. Amen!

Step 2

Why does the sight of a little yellow finch on my thistle feeder bring me such joy? I don't know but it feels like an extra special gift from God some mornings. Thankfully, I have my bird room back! I just love the mornings and sitting here enjoying the birds and my garden and talking to Jesus. Thank you God for beauty.

Grad school continues to be wonderful. Every class, every lesson seems completely applicable to my life. This last week I was starting to dive into some deep emotional wounds of abuse at a young age and we are studying Job. How sweet is that? I am overwhelmed by my God's kindness and that is a good place to be.

So what is Step 2? Let God rewrite the script. I have been telling my teenagers for years that if you say "yes" to something, it means you must say "no" to something else. We can not do it all. So as I've dreamt and sat and waited, God has started to write the new script.

It started with an email while I was on vacation in FL. Habitat asked if I would come in for an interview. Great! I love Habitat and have volunteered with them for years, but I didn't apply for anything, so it seemed odd to be asked to come in for an interview. In fact, I couldn't really figure out what they could possibly even offer me. But I went in and God did something amazing. They offered me the Volunteer Coordinator Position which might be the best use of my skill set than any job I've ever had. It is also part-time, so I can still do grad school and my mom stuff. But they also really wanted someone who saw this as a ministry and not just a job. I almost cried at that comment. After working at Panera for a year, I so did not want a job anymore. I wanted to be part of shaping and helping a ministry change lives. Habitat does that and this was an amazing opportunity that literally fell from the sky from my Father in heaven who knows how to give good gifts to His children. And then it got better: "When do you want to work and how much do you want to make?" Really? No way!

It's been 4 months now and I greatly enjoy this ministry, the people and getting paid a fair wage. Thank you Jesus!

But wait there is more. I've also started a non-profit for my Women's Wilderness Program in the Smokies. God has been so gracious to bring that together in ways that are blessing me more than I thought possible. On another front, an old friend initiated with me and I feel hope that the brokenness in that relationship is beginning to find healing. Back at home, my Dad continues to be the most supportive and gracious and humble man I know as He continues to care for my mom. His transformation alone is enough to convince me that "nothing is too difficult for thee."

But what about my dreams and all the things I was working towards for the past 20 years? Perhaps my vision was too small. Perhaps I am like C.S. Lewis says "too content to play with mud pies, when a holiday at the sea is being offered to me."

I would like the holiday at the sea now. It tastes like freedom and peace. It tastes good. I can wake up in the morning and pray for things that come to my mind instead of argue with them. That feels wonderful. I am not on fire anymore and yet I feel more passionate about God and caring for others than I have for a long time. And then there is hope. No soul lives long without hope. Hope brings the color back to life and joy to weary bones. I like hope.

I don't know what Step 3 looks like other than enjoying what God is doing. I will live here for awhile and soak it up!