Starting over, again.

This was a really emotional day for me. I was all over the place. It was my first day at a new job and my kids headed back to school. This new job is to help us out financially, but also to add some structure to my life. (I like to work. It refreshes me.) But the job is very entry level and it's hard to not feel like I am starting all over again in the middle of my life. But the truth is: I am.

So I feel a bit embarrassed sitting in a class with college kids being trained to work a cash register and make sandwiches. But I also feel excited about starting something new and taking a step closer to my dream of owning a Chick-fil-a someday. I am concerned I will not be able to handle getting up at 5am everyday. I feel frustrated that my current earning potential is so meager compared to my husbands. But I also feel thankful that this job is flexible enough for me to be home everyday for my kids after-school and not miss them during their teen years. Lastly, I feel sad that I won't be making their lunches in the mornings and hugging my youngest everyday before he goes to school. So it's been a big day for me in many ways. I suppose that is why I am blogging at 2am.

Between all the emotion today, I could not help but think about all of the ways I am starting over in my life. I am on a tennis team, but I still feel new to the game. I am taking piano lessons, but it is a lot of work (I understand why people start young). I've started writing, but I am a poor english student. I've signed up for grad school to study the Word of God just cuz I want to but without a clear application in sight. But I have also noticed that the things I have been chasing after for many years seemed to have gotten in a car and driven away leaving me standing in the road. That's not a good feeling.

So right now there is this constant companion of uneasiness and loss and maybe hope. But hope can be a dangerous word and I do not use it flippantly. Clearly I have put my hope in many things over the years only to be deeply disappointed. So I am stepping back to reconsider the landscape. There is no way to avoid all disappointment, the world is a broken place. But I will give myself a little more time to assess who to trust. I don't have to trust everyone. But I do have to trust someone.

My hope is in God, but I believe it is manifested by believing in and trusting others. I watched my Father entrust himself over and over again to bad people who took advantage of him and used him for their own gain. Then I watched him beat himself up for trusting them. And then I watched him do it over and over again. This is the cycle of the victim. I am asking God to break that cycle in my life for the sake of our kids and grandkids. Some days it is crazy exhausting. I think this was one of them.

So let me end with truth. Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so. So I will go to sleep now and accept that I am weak but He is strong and as His little one, I belong.

Good Night.