I am a planner. I'm sure I have an administrative gift, but I also find peace when things are in order. I grew up in a lot of chaos so order brings me comfort and a sense of safety. Sadly, most people create order by being control freaks and I am so good at it, I could lead a group of control freaks! However, I hate routine. I like to conquer things and then move on. Start it, organize it, make it better, hand it off and move on to something else.
But what if all the planning stops? I would never choose that of course, but what if God does it? What then? What if all the things you were planning aren't available anymore? The US boycotted the Olympics in 1980 due to the Cold War with Russia. How many of those athletes who had trained for years if not their whole lives had to deal with the death of their dreams? All that planning and time and training and sacrifice lost due to something completely out of their control. How do you deal with that?
"Though the way seems straight and narrow, all I had was swept away. My ambitions, plans and wishes, at my feet in disarray. I will Praise Him, I will Praise Him. Praise the Lamb for sinners slain. Give Him glory, all ye people, for his blood can wash away each stain." This is a song we sing in church. I like that it seems to understand how I've been feeling for awhile. But I would like to move on now. I would like to Praise Him with joy now instead of sadness. But something tells me there is an ebb and flow to praising God. I don't think He cares how we come, just that we come.
Next week I start Grad School at Moody Bible Institute for a Masters in Applied Biblical Studies. People say "That's great! What are you going to do with that?" and I say "Thanks, I have no idea." Not a great feeling, but that's where I am at. I am just taking the next step. There really is no plan anymore. I am just being faithful with this day because it has enough trouble of it's own. Love all the people God has woven into my life and let them love me. Those are easy directions to write, but crazy hard to follow. I seem to prefer to love than be loved. I'm sure it's related to trust but I don't quite get that part yet.
So this semester I start something new while I pull back from things I've done for a long time. The call on my life is to "take the gift". What is the gift? So far I think it's a slower pace of life; time with Jesus and His word; physical and emotional healing; enjoying my husband and teenagers (which I really do); a new venture and learning to pray. That seems like a pretty good list of gifts. So why the hesitation?
What if I'm just being selfish? Well, God is pretty good about showing us those things and then offering us grace and restoring us.
What if it doesn't lead me back to my original plan? Does that mean I've been wrong all this time? No, it means God needed me there for a time and now He needs me somewhere else for awhile. Not failure, just redirection. Not a waste of time, just training.
What if everyone forgets me and I am left all alone? Almost impossible in a house of 7 people, but maybe we only get a chance to feel loved when we take the risk of being forgotten. But we also know that though a mother may forget her own child, the Lord will never forget me.
Take courage anxious heart. Put your trust in the Lord for He is good.
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