A taste of freedom

What does freedom taste like? The Bible says "Taste and see that the Lord is good." How do we taste the Lord? One definition of taste is 'a brief experience of something, conveying its basic character.' I find some comfort in this idea that the experience may only be brief.

But what I want is to consume and be totally satisfied by the Lord, not just get a taste. I want freedom to rule all my decisions and all my emotions, every day 24/7. But that is called heaven and we are not there yet.

So today I want to taste freedom by making a crazy step of faith, like going to grad school at Moody just before I send my kids to college. I found myself smiling and a bit giddy as I wrote my deposit check and put it in the mail yesterday. On one hand, I could make a strong case for how impractical it is to pursue a masters in applied biblical studies at this stage of my life. What am I even going to do with that degree? Surely it would be wiser to put that money away for my kids colleges considering we have four of them coming one right after the other.

But then I think, how often does a step of faith seem practical? Do we even experience a taste of freedom when we live entirely practical lives? Maybe. I am not negative about being practical. It has saved us tons of money and heartache, but has it also kept us from seeing miracles?

On the other hand, why are my kid's educations more important than mine? Why do the things I long for in my heart always need to take a back seat? A lot of parenting is exactly that. When babies cry in the night, someone needs to get up and care for that child. It does not matter how tired you are or what else is planned. Babies rule the roost. But part of training a child is walking them through the balancing act that they are super important and greatly loved, but the world doesn't revolve around them. I would guess most parents really struggle with this balance because it is always changing. It is not a one size fits all equation. It looks different for each child and it changes as they grow and as we grow. But a child who thinks the world revolves around them is in for a lot of heartache and is really not very enjoyable to be around. I fear America is raising a lot of these kids right now.

So taking the step to go to grad school without a tangible goal and at a questionable time in life, when money is tight, seems unwise. But my heart longs for it. I have my reasons but they seem too selfish most days.

I want to know God's voice better and be quicker to obey the Spirit.
I want to argue with learned, older men about truth!
I want to understand the context of the scriptures already in my heart.
I want to teach the Word of God with confidence and handle it accurately.
I want the narrative in my head when I read the bible to sound more like a loving father than a condemning, factual author.
I want to wrestle with why we do church the way we do and how to really love the way Jesus did.
I want to feel more loved, cared for and protected because I trust God more.

Perhaps these are unrealistic goals, but I won't know until I try. I love to learn and wrestle and argue, not to belittle others, but to know that I really know. From where I stand, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of things in life you can really know with absolute certainty. Life seems very complicated as you get older. But I am holding out hope that I can know God loves me with absolute certainty.

I feel closer to that truth now than when I was young. But my hope is to taste and see the Lord is good by devouring His word and letting it pour over me like the spring rain watering the earth.

Here we go!