Change

Have you ever woken up to the realization that the people you work with or spend time with are using different lenses than you to interpret the world around you? It's like one of you is playing chess and the other is playing checkers but you are using the same board. Seems like a really bad idea doesn't it? Well, you're right. It is.

What's helpful about the revelation is that you can look back and reinterpret a whole bunch of things that were hurtful or misunderstood. You finally get it! Most of the miscommunication is because you realize you have been working with different definitions, different goals and most importantly, different assumptions.

What hurts like hell, is the general feeling of having missed the boat for so long. It feels like embarrassment or shame. "How did I miss that?" "What a waste of time!"

But what is true? The world is always changing. No way to stop that. I know many elderly people lament how fast life changes and often they just give up trying to keep up. (They are the ones wearing 70's leisure suits at the diner at 4:30pm.) They are fine to just except what they can and can't do. My counselor has mentioned several times that I need to accept my own limitations (others limitations too in fact).

There is no way to always know. I hate to get blind-sided. Not sure why yet, but how can we ever truly safeguard ourselves from not getting blind-sided from time to time? It seems impossible if the world is changing all the time and we are changing all the time, and our circumstances are changing all the time. You can count on one thing; change.

So, like many things I wrestle with, is change good or bad? Counselors love those questions, because it's like you are doing their job for them. They just ask you the same question back. (I think I should be comped for those appts.) Because the answer reveals the problem. It is both. Change is never all good or all bad, it's always some of the both. We want absolutes when the world is full of fragments and situational ethics. There are absolutes. But as Chuck Swindoll says, "When I was a young man I had a long list of things that separated me from other believers. Now it is a very short list."

So what do I do? I learn to live in the tension of not being able to always lean on rules and trusting God to walk me through it or, as in this case, bring revelation. Does God condemn me for taking too long to figure it out? No. Moses needed 80 years of prep to lead the people out of slavery, who needed 400 years to get ready and another 40 years in the desert to prep to enter the land promised long before that. He is clearly in no hurry and more than willing to administer the pain of waking up to reality in reasonable amounts. It still stings. Sometimes it breaks my heart, but even still I am able to stand again, eventually. He helps with that part of it too.

So when the arrows come that say "How stupid are you, to not have caught that by now?" I am confident Jesus is not talking to me. It might be my flesh or Satan or just the recording in my head of voices that have said those things to me, but it is not Jesus.

I need to hear Jesus' voice. I realize now, this is what worship does for me. I hear the voice of Jesus in worship. When I read the Scripture, it is a factual voice without much emotion or kindness. (Probably too many science books in college.) But when I listen to worship music and stare at the sunset, I hear and feel the love of my Savior. It permeates me and carries me and ushers forth my tears and deep heart that just needs some care and reassurance that He is with me and I will be ok.

Change happens. We get off the path sometimes. We are on the path and don't notice everyone else is on a different path. It happens. It's not the end of the world and there is always grace in the hands of a loving Father who is eager to take our hand and lead us. I will take His hand today and just sit here and rest for awhile as I recover from my wounds, self-inflicted or otherwise. He is in no hurry and that feels good. This one hurt me deeply and it may take me some time to recover. That's ok.