Pay attention to me

My husband and I have an inside joke from a Simpson's episode where Lisa does something that manages to capture everyone's attention. The scene has Lisa standing in the middle of the room with everyone staring at her in awe. Meanwhile Bart is darting around the room saying over and over again "I am Bart. Pay attention to me." So that is our code phrase when we feel lost or forgotten or the other one is daydreaming while we are talking. Usually I am the one talking and my husband is the one doing time travel calculations in his head. (Yeah, he is that guy!)

But more and more I am convicted about how much attention I constantly require. My greatest seasons of rest and peace are when this need is not screaming in my face. I think the key is to stand in awe of God. If you are in awe of God, then you are not endlessly thinking about yourself. That seems like an important piece to the puzzle.

Often I am reminded of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. How did they not just stand completely in awe of that kind of power to part the Red Sea and rescue them in a hopeless situation? I am sure they were in awe as well, as they watched God bring down the waters on top of the most powerful army of the known world. I doubt very much anyone was grumbling or complaining while they crossed over on dry land through the walls of water. But what amazes me more is that they were back to grumbling and complaining only 3 days later when they did not have water in the desert. But the truth is that I am an Israelite too.

My memory is so short and I am quick to exchange awe with self-pity. I hate it. I know there is an enemy that likes to remind me to go back to the mud pit and languish in self pity while I make bricks with mud and straw. But I don't have to go back there. I can live in awe of the God who parts the water, who draws water from a rock, who provides manna and quail from heaven and who provides a cloud to block the sun by day and a pillar of fire to light the way by night. But do we really have to be in the desert?

Another inside joke with my husband is from the movie Joe vs the Volcano. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan jump into the volcano together towards the end of the movie to appease the volcano God. Meg says to Tom, "We'll just jump and we'll see." They are then blown out together into the ocean while the island sinks. Suddenly, Tom's ever faithful luggage pops out of the ocean, which saved him once already earlier in the story, and they climb aboard. Meg is overjoyed they are still alive but Tom says "I don't know, we're floating in the middle of the ocean." Her response is "It's always going to be something with you Joe." I feel like Joe (Tom Hanks), but I want to be like Meg. Because there will always be something! That is life. There is always something that has the ability to steal your joy or destroy your peace. Love does not always win here. In fact fear seems to rule far too often even in believers hearts.

I have learned that there is never a good time to invest in your retirement. If you wait until it's a good time, it will never come and then you will be 65 and wonder what happened. Investing in your retirement is always a sacrifice. Investing time to marvel at God and the works of His hands is always a sacrifice. Our flesh will never be godly. We will always want to sleep in longer or watch tv or buy that candy bar, etc. We need the Lord to help us love the Lord. That seems crazy to me, but that is our reality. I keep thinking this is going to get easier. I will just wake up one morning and be other's oriented and selfless in my actions and never feel used again or grumpy. Why? The attacks of Satan alone should be all I need, to know life will be hard. Not every minute, but most minutes and my flesh will only continue to decay and ask more of me.

I recently finished the book "Tramp for the Lord" by Corrie Ten Boom. It is an absolutely wonderful book about God's provision and a life fully surrendered to God. But what encouraged me the most were not all the miracles God did for Corrie, but rather how she was just a normal person who saw God do amazing things and still doubted. She is an Israelite too. Here is a woman rescued from the gas chambers of Nazi Germany and she still wondered if God would come through for her as she got older. I take a surprising amount of comfort in that fact. I am not alone or strange or ungodly. I am human and normal and a sinner in need of a Savior. Praise God he has provided us with one.

So I spend most days battling with feeling largely undervalued and invisible. But I know the scriptures well enough and have known my God long enough to know that I am both valuable and visible to Him. He sees it all. He knows the little things I do to love the people around me. He sees my sacrifices of time and the small ways I die to myself for the sake of others. He is proud of me. He enjoys me and I make Him smile. As Brennan Manning says "God is particularly fond of me." I like that and hopefully as I get older I will be able to run to that place more quickly verses the mud pit. As Meg would say, "We will just jump and we'll see." How do you describe faith any better than that?