A Season of Recovery

I spent part of Father’s Day this year in a cemetery. A young man who has become very dear to us, needed a ride so he could spend some time with his dad. After we found the gravestone, I wandered off to give him some privacy and realized I hadn’t talked to my own dad yet. So I dialed the phone and when he said hello, all I could do was cry.

Episodes like this one have repeated themselves over and over this past year as I have been in a season of recovery. Mind you, I did not sign up for this season. It was clearly orchestrated by God. Last summer God told me to celebrate, so I did. My husband and I went to Paris to celebrate our 20th anniversary. My daughter and I had a big birthday party together called 1645 with live music and dancing. My friends helped throw me a retirement party for finishing up 12 years of homeschooling. Last summer was a blast!

But then the rain came. I blew out my knee in August and needed surgery. All my kids went to public school in the fall. My husband entered his 3rd year of a job that took far too much of his time. My mother’s Alzheimer’s started to progress more rapidly while my father’s health continued to be on the edge. And my 20 years in ministry had left some deep scars that just didn’t seem to be healing.

I found myself taking tests to see if I was burned out. Guess what? I was burned out, but there was still something in me that thought, “I can do this!”. But I couldn’t. I was physically hurt from the knee surgery and needed to just sit. My heart was so sad missing my kids, all I wanted to do was sleep away the pain. I go home monthly to help my family but it is such a mean disease to watch someone fade away in fear and yet I feel so powerless to make a difference. But to be honest, the scars of ministry took up most of my mental energy as I replayed scenarios over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it all.

So God just totally shut me down by his own hand. I simply could not do much of anything and any worth still wrapped up in my service was decimated. But of course, that’s what God is usually after isn’t he? Total surrender. When my kids were little and I needed to tell them something important, I would say, “look at my eyes”. So here I was finally looking into my Savior’s eyes, while in tears, asking Him to please help me.

It is the kindness of the Lord that leads us to repentance. But it’s hard to believe that what I needed in the season of recovery was repentance. But it was the key. I had come to be very demanding and holding grudges as a way to ward off some of the endless pain of life, but it only left me more alone and ultimately with more pain. I had a long record of others wrongs and love keeps no record of wrongs. But God’s kindness wooed me to release the hurts.

He used my need to sit on the couch and rest to slow me down enough to enjoy the birds in my backyard. I love categorizing the natural world (nerd alert). Each bird was a joy to me. I had no energy to call friends, but they found me. I pulled largely out of ministry and life went on, amazingly. My father and brother and I have become very close as a result of the constant visits and need to care for my mother. My husband has made a job change so he can more present with our family. God took good care of my kids in school.

But through it all, there has been this endless wooing of Jesus that has simply said, “I am here with you and have been all along. I just needed you to slow down enough to see me and my endless expressions of love for you.” The peace I have longed for most of my life in Christ has been finally taking root and it feels real good.

When I finally found my voice in the cemetery that day, all I could say was “Hi Dad, I’m so glad you are still alive.” It was a funny Happy Father’s Day greeting, but the truth deeply penetrated my heart and I was so thankful he was even just alive. That’s been the big change. I can see and feel my blessings. They have been there the whole time but the pain just kept me in bondage. Repentance has released me from that bondage.

The pain of life is real and it really hurts. But God’s kindness is all around us all the time. My prayer is that you will not only see it today but feel it, so he can care for your heart as well.