46 and counting

I turn 46 today. Happy Birthday to me.

So does that mean she is excited or depressed about turning 46? I can't really tell due to the lack of punctuation in the sentence.

Well the answer is yes. I heard once that our 40's are like a fork in the road where we decide how we are going to play out the rest of our days. I definitely feel that. I've spent a great deal of time over the past year or so reflecting on how I got here, where I am at and what God has done in my life.

The big picture is simple. I started in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and raging mother. Together they always seemed to be behind the eight ball in life. My brother and I fought non-stop unless we were making our parents laugh and our childhood consisted of endless babysitters as my parent's were always strapped for cash and thus always working.

By High School, I was done with people. I pulled back and just got mad at the world. I hated being lonely, but it was better than trying to figure out relationships any more. I found my value in school, athletics and music. God was never in the picture.

By College, I was an atheist getting a degree in Evolution. Soon after arriving on campus, I found rugby. What a wonderful sport! You actually get to tackle people over and over again. It was a satifying outlet for my love for sports and unresolved anger issues. On the rugby team I also found the gay world. Initially I thought "to each his own." But over time I came to enjoy that world. Eventually I embraced it as I fell in love with a girl and gave her my heart.

I remember how wonderful it all felt. It seemed as if my lonely heart had finally found a place to belong and there was joy in life for a change. My few friends seemed cool with the gay stuff so I dove in head first.

And then came Jesus.

The girl I fell in love with was gay and a Christian. Ok. My best friend in college became a Christian and I saw her life change. Interesting. I met some Christians at a concert and actually enjoyed them and started hanging out with them. I see a pattern. Suddenly I was surrounded by Christians and I don't even know when it happened!

But then I started reading the bible in order to answer some of my own questions about this Jesus guy they were all talking about. I was stunned. Jesus Christ was a swear word in my house growing up, not a loving, good man who died on my behalf so that I might have a chance to find love too. I didn't know that guy. But I began to meet Him through these people and through this book. Over night, the natural world around me suddenly took on a whole different feel as I saw how much I stood in awe of the creation and yet had never given credit to the creator.

So one day in a car ride home, I broke down crying, asked Jesus to forgive me and stopped running away. That's what it felt like. I had this big plan for my life to save the panda bears and get as far away from people as possible and Jesus changed everything.

26 years later I stand here a mom with 4 kids, married for 21 years, and having been active in Christian ministry for most all of those 26 years. My parents have come to Jesus; my brother is close. My grandmother repented just before she died and received the love of God. I have an unbelievable number of good friends and have gone from a lonely, lost young woman to an abundantly blessed, well cared for and loved middle aged woman.

But the road has been damn hard.

I would like to see a follow up on Cinderella after the honeymoon. How did she stop acting like a slave and really step into being the princess? That process has been such a mystery to me. All I really know is that God gives us a counselor to walk with us along the way and I have tried as best I knew how at the time to listen for Him. Life is so messy and it feels like a continual clean up job most of the time. I want the world to be black and white. I love that 2 + 2 = 4 everyday, all the time, forever. I want life to play by the rules. But it really doesn't. I wish it did and I've spent a long time trying to bend it to the rules, but it will not work.

So I am 46 today and I have been standing at a fork in the road. I just can't look at the big picture and not see the amazing blessings in my life. Looking into the eyes of even one of my kids is all I need to know God loves me. But the road has been so hard at times that I am depressed to think that's all there is to do for another 30-40 years. But that is where the fork comes in.

Maybe its not all striving. I seem to remember a verse about cease striving and know that He is God. To me that means, just do my job and let Him do His job. I'm learning He is in charge of a lot more than I thought. I like that now though it used to scare me because I wasn't sure I could trust Him. But trust is coming easier these days as I see this bigger picture more and more. Perhaps the next 30-40 years could be a lot more awe and joy and being enjoyed. I would like that. Lets take that path. I know there will still be pain, but perhaps by trusting God more I will see His goodness in the land of the living.

I would like that.